This I Must Never Forget!

The following is taken from my wife Laura's blog archive:

Thursday, November 16, 2006
Well...Enough of this BS.
Isn't it funny how God tells you to be patient. And you don't want to?!? I use to think of myself as a patient person. But lately..Not so much.If you are an angry person....Don't read my blog entry for today... it is upsetting.......I have been battling with the decision to divorce my spouse for months. And in that time of questioning I have questioned my faith.Wondering if I was to blame.Wondering if I was making the right choices.Wondering if God was listening to meWondering if He would hear me.If I had done something to keep me from hearing HIM.Guilt. Pain. Anger.Did I make God angry.. And I have been a Christian since I was 16. So I have been a believing, trusting, and knowing Christian for years.Firm and steady.And all this between he and I. Between Pastors. Has been terrible. I felt the 'church' had totally shunned me. Had no interested in helping me. BC well.. I was to blame. I had been wrong.And more and more. I asked WHY, HOW.. show me how I was Wrong.I don't mind being told I am wrong. It does not bother me.I expect to be told and shown how. I don't just take accusations.. WELL not anymore.SO I have been living with the guilt of the dreaded D. Thinking maybe I was being unreasonable.And then I get a call... Something I had a feeling about. But NO'proof'.....People have been seeing "HIM".. out.. with OTHER..WOMANI knew this already. Gut feelings..God had defineatly prepared me for this BC I was not surprised. JUST CONFIRMATION.So last night.. I confront him last night. He came over to discuss more counseling.. How he will be perfect. Take care of me and the kids. Be the loving, honest, caring husband I always wanted, needed and deserved.Then I asked him.. Why did I get a phone call then about him being out with another woman. How he could sit there and say he wanted to work on the marriage, would not give up, would fight me every step. And still be messing around. He says "you threw me away, you told me you hated me'. I just stared at him. I told him that if he meant what he said about changing, fighting for me. He would not be acting in such a way. Then, of course, the you cheated came up.. So I told him. That I did not cheat. I did not consider discussing marriage and christianity with another believer cheating. I almost lost it. He says to me "I believe you. I finally believe you. When you say you didn't cheat" WTF!!!!! So he believes me .... He is hanging on, kissing on, screwing with other woman.. Although he denies 'sex'. I am NO idiot! He has been out with HER.. Drove His LOVER to 'show her our house' Friday. My brothers were out front..they were watching the kids. I told him "Hell bring her right over she can start redecorating".. He says.. she is just a friend. we went to Candy's (the wife of his brother) bachelorette party... .He took her dancing.I didn't cry. But I almost did then. He NEVER took me dancing. .It is one of my favorite things to do.. NEVER did he take me. He wants to sit down with Rick and talk.. we can work it all out. I told him.. I was done.. and if there was any more doubt he just took care of it. I asked him to leave and that I would make the appointment with the lawyer.. And he WOULD NOT fight me . NOT ONCE . Why is it ok for him to be with someone else??? WHY is that ok?? I don't understand.AND I was subject to Church corrective action???? WHY?Unfortuneatly, my tearless discussion changed when I shut the door.. I balled. not the normal cry.Big time bad. I could not hold it all in any more. I had heaving cry.. the kind you don't want anyone to see or hear you.. BUT the kids .. were still up and I had to get them to bed.. so I pushed down .. for a few more minutes.. I wanted to throw up and go to sleep. I didn't throw up.. But I did go to bed.. and fell asleep eventually.God Help Him.Because NO ONE on this earth can.