I once was as lost as can be, but God (through the faith and true love of my wife) created a miracle for all to see.
The following was taken from my wife Laura's blog:
Monday, January 29, 2007
What did God do??
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. Ps. 34:1
There is NO doubt in my mind that God had and has His hand on my marriage. That when I was 'done' God had only begun. That when my faith lacked.. He was faithful. I think about my life 4 months ago. And I think..Gosh.. I was not in a nut house?? How did I live thru all that?
And then I look at my journals. The pleads.. The pain. The cries.I believed that God had a plan. That it would be revealed. That if I just hold on a little longer it would be OK.AND... it was.More than ok.He HEALED :MY heart.MY soul.MY everything. He took me and took things away. Melted it away. I did not have 'things' to lean on. Things like friends, stuff, duties, agendas.... Slowly He took them.. molded me.. bent me in ways I did not think I could bare. It hurt. It took more time than I wanted. But now. My joy is REAL joy. Not just joy for life or breath. But joyful thanksgiving for healing.And my husband? He is wonderful. He is not that man I married. The one I have been with for 14 years. He is changed. Different. What did God do??? He answered that prayer I prayed when I was 16. .. "God give me a Godly man. Someone to lead and walk with. The one YOU want me to be with." It took a few years for an answer. But thanks be to God that it is HIS time not mine.And thanks to my precious friend for praying that God's will be done in this marriage. In the last week. My faith has exploded. I don't understand or know why. But I feel like I could move a mountain from its anchor. It is a crazy feeling. Crazy and wonderful.In Christ Alone I will Glory! And He will take care of me.. And my heart. The rest is just ... cherries. MMM. And maybe some dark chocolate syrup.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
This I Must Never Forget!
The following is taken from my wife Laura's blog archive:
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Well...Enough of this BS.
Isn't it funny how God tells you to be patient. And you don't want to?!? I use to think of myself as a patient person. But lately..Not so much.If you are an angry person....Don't read my blog entry for today... it is upsetting.......I have been battling with the decision to divorce my spouse for months. And in that time of questioning I have questioned my faith.Wondering if I was to blame.Wondering if I was making the right choices.Wondering if God was listening to meWondering if He would hear me.If I had done something to keep me from hearing HIM.Guilt. Pain. Anger.Did I make God angry.. And I have been a Christian since I was 16. So I have been a believing, trusting, and knowing Christian for years.Firm and steady.And all this between he and I. Between Pastors. Has been terrible. I felt the 'church' had totally shunned me. Had no interested in helping me. BC well.. I was to blame. I had been wrong.And more and more. I asked WHY, HOW.. show me how I was Wrong.I don't mind being told I am wrong. It does not bother me.I expect to be told and shown how. I don't just take accusations.. WELL not anymore.SO I have been living with the guilt of the dreaded D. Thinking maybe I was being unreasonable.And then I get a call... Something I had a feeling about. But NO'proof'.....People have been seeing "HIM".. out.. with OTHER..WOMANI knew this already. Gut feelings..God had defineatly prepared me for this BC I was not surprised. JUST CONFIRMATION.So last night.. I confront him last night. He came over to discuss more counseling.. How he will be perfect. Take care of me and the kids. Be the loving, honest, caring husband I always wanted, needed and deserved.Then I asked him.. Why did I get a phone call then about him being out with another woman. How he could sit there and say he wanted to work on the marriage, would not give up, would fight me every step. And still be messing around. He says "you threw me away, you told me you hated me'. I just stared at him. I told him that if he meant what he said about changing, fighting for me. He would not be acting in such a way. Then, of course, the you cheated came up.. So I told him. That I did not cheat. I did not consider discussing marriage and christianity with another believer cheating. I almost lost it. He says to me "I believe you. I finally believe you. When you say you didn't cheat" WTF!!!!! So he believes me .... He is hanging on, kissing on, screwing with other woman.. Although he denies 'sex'. I am NO idiot! He has been out with HER.. Drove His LOVER to 'show her our house' Friday. My brothers were out front..they were watching the kids. I told him "Hell bring her right over she can start redecorating".. He says.. she is just a friend. we went to Candy's (the wife of his brother) bachelorette party... .He took her dancing.I didn't cry. But I almost did then. He NEVER took me dancing. .It is one of my favorite things to do.. NEVER did he take me. He wants to sit down with Rick and talk.. we can work it all out. I told him.. I was done.. and if there was any more doubt he just took care of it. I asked him to leave and that I would make the appointment with the lawyer.. And he WOULD NOT fight me . NOT ONCE . Why is it ok for him to be with someone else??? WHY is that ok?? I don't understand.AND I was subject to Church corrective action???? WHY?Unfortuneatly, my tearless discussion changed when I shut the door.. I balled. not the normal cry.Big time bad. I could not hold it all in any more. I had heaving cry.. the kind you don't want anyone to see or hear you.. BUT the kids .. were still up and I had to get them to bed.. so I pushed down .. for a few more minutes.. I wanted to throw up and go to sleep. I didn't throw up.. But I did go to bed.. and fell asleep eventually.God Help Him.Because NO ONE on this earth can.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Well...Enough of this BS.
Isn't it funny how God tells you to be patient. And you don't want to?!? I use to think of myself as a patient person. But lately..Not so much.If you are an angry person....Don't read my blog entry for today... it is upsetting.......I have been battling with the decision to divorce my spouse for months. And in that time of questioning I have questioned my faith.Wondering if I was to blame.Wondering if I was making the right choices.Wondering if God was listening to meWondering if He would hear me.If I had done something to keep me from hearing HIM.Guilt. Pain. Anger.Did I make God angry.. And I have been a Christian since I was 16. So I have been a believing, trusting, and knowing Christian for years.Firm and steady.And all this between he and I. Between Pastors. Has been terrible. I felt the 'church' had totally shunned me. Had no interested in helping me. BC well.. I was to blame. I had been wrong.And more and more. I asked WHY, HOW.. show me how I was Wrong.I don't mind being told I am wrong. It does not bother me.I expect to be told and shown how. I don't just take accusations.. WELL not anymore.SO I have been living with the guilt of the dreaded D. Thinking maybe I was being unreasonable.And then I get a call... Something I had a feeling about. But NO'proof'.....People have been seeing "HIM".. out.. with OTHER..WOMANI knew this already. Gut feelings..God had defineatly prepared me for this BC I was not surprised. JUST CONFIRMATION.So last night.. I confront him last night. He came over to discuss more counseling.. How he will be perfect. Take care of me and the kids. Be the loving, honest, caring husband I always wanted, needed and deserved.Then I asked him.. Why did I get a phone call then about him being out with another woman. How he could sit there and say he wanted to work on the marriage, would not give up, would fight me every step. And still be messing around. He says "you threw me away, you told me you hated me'. I just stared at him. I told him that if he meant what he said about changing, fighting for me. He would not be acting in such a way. Then, of course, the you cheated came up.. So I told him. That I did not cheat. I did not consider discussing marriage and christianity with another believer cheating. I almost lost it. He says to me "I believe you. I finally believe you. When you say you didn't cheat" WTF!!!!! So he believes me .... He is hanging on, kissing on, screwing with other woman.. Although he denies 'sex'. I am NO idiot! He has been out with HER.. Drove His LOVER to 'show her our house' Friday. My brothers were out front..they were watching the kids. I told him "Hell bring her right over she can start redecorating".. He says.. she is just a friend. we went to Candy's (the wife of his brother) bachelorette party... .He took her dancing.I didn't cry. But I almost did then. He NEVER took me dancing. .It is one of my favorite things to do.. NEVER did he take me. He wants to sit down with Rick and talk.. we can work it all out. I told him.. I was done.. and if there was any more doubt he just took care of it. I asked him to leave and that I would make the appointment with the lawyer.. And he WOULD NOT fight me . NOT ONCE . Why is it ok for him to be with someone else??? WHY is that ok?? I don't understand.AND I was subject to Church corrective action???? WHY?Unfortuneatly, my tearless discussion changed when I shut the door.. I balled. not the normal cry.Big time bad. I could not hold it all in any more. I had heaving cry.. the kind you don't want anyone to see or hear you.. BUT the kids .. were still up and I had to get them to bed.. so I pushed down .. for a few more minutes.. I wanted to throw up and go to sleep. I didn't throw up.. But I did go to bed.. and fell asleep eventually.God Help Him.Because NO ONE on this earth can.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Home Away From Home
On July 14, 2008 I accepted a position with Noble Drilling as a Subsea Engineer Trainee; excellent pay, great benefits, wonder future, oh boy. There was one tiny little snag.....the Noble Company training Facility, Bayou Black. Yes it is a black bayou, yes the mosquitos can and do frequently suck dry small mammals, yes there are snakes ALL over the place, and finally; the Training Instructor, Charlie.
He could have been the the Drill Instructor in Full Metal Jacket, but he thinks Marines are too Sissified. I am serious, he is 5' nothing, weights 145lbs soaking wet, and could very easily a scare the shiite muslim out of a rattle snake. And has! Apparently a certain, ( dead) snake though his boot was a nice sleeping place. Silly snakes, boots are for feet. So Charlie, realizing where the snake was, shook his boot until reptile poop flew out and the snake stopped moving. This happened on Monday, the first day. He just smiled and walked away.
At this point I wondered just HOW far South I was?!? I mean come on, it is 98degrees in the shade and as the sun sets the bayou turns a fire red color; and Charlie sits in his rocking chair, smoking and laughing as we pick up anything that is not WHITE Rock! I SAID WHITE ROCK, Boy! In the Yard by the bayou, Gosh I like this job.
And yet, this job does pay well, I know it won't be like this on the rig, and I only have 8 more days to go. If I can get through 18 weeks of Basic/Tank school with the Army, I can handle this.........What, No Charlie, I be good, I won't touch the computer no more' ! I be good, suh, I be Good! Hahahahaha!
Peace out, word to yo Mother!
He could have been the the Drill Instructor in Full Metal Jacket, but he thinks Marines are too Sissified. I am serious, he is 5' nothing, weights 145lbs soaking wet, and could very easily a scare the shiite muslim out of a rattle snake. And has! Apparently a certain, ( dead) snake though his boot was a nice sleeping place. Silly snakes, boots are for feet. So Charlie, realizing where the snake was, shook his boot until reptile poop flew out and the snake stopped moving. This happened on Monday, the first day. He just smiled and walked away.
At this point I wondered just HOW far South I was?!? I mean come on, it is 98degrees in the shade and as the sun sets the bayou turns a fire red color; and Charlie sits in his rocking chair, smoking and laughing as we pick up anything that is not WHITE Rock! I SAID WHITE ROCK, Boy! In the Yard by the bayou, Gosh I like this job.
And yet, this job does pay well, I know it won't be like this on the rig, and I only have 8 more days to go. If I can get through 18 weeks of Basic/Tank school with the Army, I can handle this.........What, No Charlie, I be good, I won't touch the computer no more' ! I be good, suh, I be Good! Hahahahaha!
Peace out, word to yo Mother!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thats all Folks!
From the thoughts of a very alternative philosopher, Porky Pig:
"Tha.....tha........tha......thats all Folks!"
For as I walk out the door....
"Freedom!"
As to my future, also from another alternative philosopher, (you guess who):
" To infinity and beyond!"
"Tha.....tha........tha......thats all Folks!"
For as I walk out the door....
"Freedom!"
As to my future, also from another alternative philosopher, (you guess who):
" To infinity and beyond!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
My Father's Son
I am, unfortunately, my father's son.
I resemble him.
I have some of his mannerisms.
I am beginning to think in the manner and fashion as he does in regards to work.
I have over the years, treated my wife and children as he treated his wife and children,badly.
I drank like him.
I exhibited his cavalier approach to sex, pornography, and marriage vows.
I was separated from my wife and almost successfully destroyed her and our marriage.
I thought I made the rules in my life.
And when......
When all hope was lost...
When everything I knew, thought and hoped was broken to a million pieces......
When it was so very, very dark ........
When I could see no way out.......
When the whisper in my ears encouraged an end to the pain, to my life......
When I was so alone......
Then.....
Then I became my FATHER'S son.
I resemble him.
I have some of his mannerisms.
I am beginning to think in the manner and fashion as he does in regards to work.
I have over the years, treated my wife and children as he treated his wife and children,badly.
I drank like him.
I exhibited his cavalier approach to sex, pornography, and marriage vows.
I was separated from my wife and almost successfully destroyed her and our marriage.
I thought I made the rules in my life.
And when......
When all hope was lost...
When everything I knew, thought and hoped was broken to a million pieces......
When it was so very, very dark ........
When I could see no way out.......
When the whisper in my ears encouraged an end to the pain, to my life......
When I was so alone......
Then.....
Then I became my FATHER'S son.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Joseph - The Liar
A few years ago a movie came out starring Robin Williams entitled "Jakob the Liar".
".... In 1944 Nazi-occupied Poland, former pancake vendor Jakob Heym accidentally overhears a radio news bulletin suggesting that the Soviet army is successfully advancing on German forces. He takes this news back to the "ghetto" as a sliver of hope for friends in desperate need of it. They eat it up. It doesn't take long for rumors to spread about Jakob's reported pipeline to the outside world. His Jewish friends are under the false impression that he owns a radio, which is nothing short of communications contraband. After several attempts to straighten out the misunderstanding, he discovers that it's easier, and quite possibly in every one's best interest, if he simply lets them continue to believe the lie. They eagerly anticipate his daily reports that suggest WWII may soon be over. Jakob provides false hope to fellow WWII Jews in a Nazi controlled village, by allowing them to believe that he has a line of communication with the rest of the world thrue a radio....." (courtesy of Plugged in online)
The comment in the review that I find interesting is that "...he found it easier and in every one's best interest to let them believe the lie." How often do we, meaning (I), allow a lie or possibly some half-truths, or even some altered details, to flow from our (my) lips or the lips of others? Which is easier; to be completely, totally, open and honest about everything? Or call a lie, a lie and the person a liar?
I think that the first is absolutely harder then the last. Why?
Because I am human, man, and work in the Oil Bidness! An industry that highly encourages lying, cussing,non-responsibility, no failure,cheating, drinking,lying, drinking, long hours, good pay, ...well you get the picture.
In my current position, I interact daily with the clients on several projects that are problematic at best and hellacious at worst. The client really does not want to know why the projects are late, or problematic;just that somebody(Me) is kicking butt and taking names to get it fixed, and reporting as such (lies). My company really does not care that the projects are late or problematic, just that somebody (me); mollifies the client (lies) and takes full responsibility for the failures of the company with the client (lies), and reports it (lies).
The few times the truth has been shared, or made known; it was as if the world had jumped its axis. The client could not handle the truth, and my company tried to crucify me! In my personal life; my altered details, half-truths and outright lies have caused hard earned trusts to be broken, hurt feelings, wounded spirits,angry words, and a falling away from God to occur.
Most people would prefer to lead their life not knowing the truth, not sharing truth or not wanting the responsibility for knowing the truth and sharing it. Most people avoid not having to confront others in their life when they speak words of untruth or allow an untruth to stand.
As I said earlier, it is harder for me to be completely open and honest, then it is for me to call a lie a lie and a liar a liar. All the above BS aside, its because it is very hard to condemn yourself, and realize that you are a coward and much easier to condemn others.
I am dedicated to being an honest, trustworthy, God fearing man. I am truly loved, blessed, and challenged by an exceptionally beautiful woman of God. She helps to hold me to the idea of unconditional, loving truth with myself and others; irregardless of the consequences. Even when I make her late for coffee with her best girl pal, and am stubborn and mired in my self righteous #ssholiness, she holds me to the truth.
".... In 1944 Nazi-occupied Poland, former pancake vendor Jakob Heym accidentally overhears a radio news bulletin suggesting that the Soviet army is successfully advancing on German forces. He takes this news back to the "ghetto" as a sliver of hope for friends in desperate need of it. They eat it up. It doesn't take long for rumors to spread about Jakob's reported pipeline to the outside world. His Jewish friends are under the false impression that he owns a radio, which is nothing short of communications contraband. After several attempts to straighten out the misunderstanding, he discovers that it's easier, and quite possibly in every one's best interest, if he simply lets them continue to believe the lie. They eagerly anticipate his daily reports that suggest WWII may soon be over. Jakob provides false hope to fellow WWII Jews in a Nazi controlled village, by allowing them to believe that he has a line of communication with the rest of the world thrue a radio....." (courtesy of Plugged in online)
The comment in the review that I find interesting is that "...he found it easier and in every one's best interest to let them believe the lie." How often do we, meaning (I), allow a lie or possibly some half-truths, or even some altered details, to flow from our (my) lips or the lips of others? Which is easier; to be completely, totally, open and honest about everything? Or call a lie, a lie and the person a liar?
I think that the first is absolutely harder then the last. Why?
Because I am human, man, and work in the Oil Bidness! An industry that highly encourages lying, cussing,non-responsibility, no failure,cheating, drinking,lying, drinking, long hours, good pay, ...well you get the picture.
In my current position, I interact daily with the clients on several projects that are problematic at best and hellacious at worst. The client really does not want to know why the projects are late, or problematic;just that somebody(Me) is kicking butt and taking names to get it fixed, and reporting as such (lies). My company really does not care that the projects are late or problematic, just that somebody (me); mollifies the client (lies) and takes full responsibility for the failures of the company with the client (lies), and reports it (lies).
The few times the truth has been shared, or made known; it was as if the world had jumped its axis. The client could not handle the truth, and my company tried to crucify me! In my personal life; my altered details, half-truths and outright lies have caused hard earned trusts to be broken, hurt feelings, wounded spirits,angry words, and a falling away from God to occur.
Most people would prefer to lead their life not knowing the truth, not sharing truth or not wanting the responsibility for knowing the truth and sharing it. Most people avoid not having to confront others in their life when they speak words of untruth or allow an untruth to stand.
As I said earlier, it is harder for me to be completely open and honest, then it is for me to call a lie a lie and a liar a liar. All the above BS aside, its because it is very hard to condemn yourself, and realize that you are a coward and much easier to condemn others.
I am dedicated to being an honest, trustworthy, God fearing man. I am truly loved, blessed, and challenged by an exceptionally beautiful woman of God. She helps to hold me to the idea of unconditional, loving truth with myself and others; irregardless of the consequences. Even when I make her late for coffee with her best girl pal, and am stubborn and mired in my self righteous #ssholiness, she holds me to the truth.
I love you Laura Beadle.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)