A Hero Dies

My whole life I have studied heroes; in literature, the movies, and the generally held perception of a hero. Figures such as Herculeus, Achilles, Romeo (hey I love Shakespeare), Audie Murphy, The Punisher, (Anti-hero, I know)Superman, Batman; the list goes on and on. Some are heroes because of physical attributes, some because of an innate nobleness, some because of an out sized sense of justice, some (few) because they were at the right place at the right time and made the right decision.

I always thought of myself in heroic fashion, not in theme music plays as my life rolls on, but in a fashion that maybe I am larger then life. I am bigger then most people I know, tougher, I think I am more intelligent then most people I know, I am able to adapt to any situation or setting with ease and people seem to like me, etc, etc, ad naseum. In short, Heroic, so then I an a hero. But............

Why is that most heroes are lonely, depressed, and typically have few if any friends?? Sometimes it is because they loose their way, sometimes it is because they were once trying to save themselves but it is to late. Honestly, it is because most fail to live up to the internal standard they have set for themselves, or goals that they feel others require of them (real or imagined); a goal so lofty that in striving to obtain it the hero will inevitably fail and in doing so his greatest fears are realized: that he is just like everyone else and can not be depended upon or trusted. In short, a failure. Failed to save the world, failed to save the city, lost the battle, failed to save your squad, or even.......failed to save the girl of your dreams, who trusted and believed in you and firmly held you on a pedestal,but you could not even save yourself.

And so, heroes die. They don't fade away, or kiss their horse and ride off into the sunset, they don't hang up their cape and have families, they don't make movies about heroes. In the end, heroes die; I know, because I was a hero.

The Boy behind the Mask

For 37 years, and 9 months the face, no, the boy, I saw reflected in the mirror was a mask. It projected strength, power, know how, bravado, cowardice in all forms, and hypocrisy.It hid my fears, my inequities, my flawed understandings, my emotional handicaps. It allowed me to keep people at a distance, to fend off those who got to close to understanding what or rather who was behind the mask. It allowed me a sense of control over the misbegotten creature I truly had become. It enabled me to destroy the only woman who truly loved me any time she slipped under the mask and glimpsed the boy underneath.

God was not fooled! He hammered at me and the mask through my wife, my friend and pastor, and finally thrue the eyes and words of my sweet, blue eyed awestruck daughter. Finally I accepted the fact that the mask may not be what I thought it might be. I found that it was a curse that set me apart and stunted me; a thing that had overtaken me and was such a part of me that only through the ministrations of trained medical staff who were ordained by God to save wretches like myself did the mask fall away. Death holds me no longer! I am alive but oh the pain!

I am a boy becoming the man God designed me to be at a price paid in tears and blood, in the most intimate of pain- true understanding. Understanding of what I destroyed, the pain I caused, the fear and terror I delivered,the vows brocken, the words uttered, the promises destroyed, the years wasted, the tears shed.

I am on a journey that most do not understand and few will dare follow, a journey to becoming The Man in the Mirror!

I, Robot

I look like a man on the outside. I breathe, I bleed, I sweat and I consume food and drink.

But on the inside, oh, it is so different. I am a man of steel; with a cold, icy interior. I do not feel, I have no emotions, my heart does not exist. It is merely a a mechanical valve, that pumps a coolant type fluid. The rest of my organs are merely mechanical devices that perform the required functions. My bones are steel copies of the real thing. I can not be hurt.

I will not give up, I am a man of steel who will weather any adversity and remain standing. Who will not be hurt.

I chooses with a will of iron, my course, who or what will cross my path. I will not be hurt..

Please Lord, let the pain end.