My friend Sally's dad, Leland Morgan, passed away on March 31st early in the morning. The hard headed old man waited until it was just he and Sally. He would not have wanted to inconvenience anyone. He had been at the house under hospice care and was steadily growing weaker and basically, dying over the past several weeks. So this was not a surprise. He was 91 by the way. He smoked and drank for years, and ate southern style(lots of fried food and heavy sauces) his whole life. (Stick that up your ass you health freaks.)
I was on the rig dealing with a stack pull and did not really expect to come home until the following week, which sucks because my two week hitch was up the following day. Anyhow, after some fast talking and finagling, after being awake for 38 hours, and driving 386 miles in less then 5 hours, at about 430 pm the following day I was able to walk into my house with a hand full of flowers and a smile for my beautiful bride. Who upon seeing me grabbed me and began crying her eyes out as my children malled the both of us. Surprise, Daddy is home!
I have made a commitment to myself and to Laura that I will never do anything that would cause me not to be able to hold Laura in my arms. This means: nothing that would break my wedding vows, ( yeah I know this is a no brainer, but is a big deal for anyone that knows our story,) porn in any shape, my pride or assholiness, anger, or lying about anything no matter how small, and open communication with Laura. Especially open, honest communication. No, this is not a story about how I looked at porn and then told Laura about it. This is a deeper, Spiritual battle for my marriage.
I have made a commitment to myself and to Laura that I will never do anything that would cause me not to be able to hold Laura in my arms. This means: nothing that would break my wedding vows, ( yeah I know this is a no brainer, but is a big deal for anyone that knows our story,) porn in any shape, my pride or assholiness, anger, or lying about anything no matter how small, and open communication with Laura. Especially open, honest communication. No, this is not a story about how I looked at porn and then told Laura about it. This is a deeper, Spiritual battle for my marriage.
{Since I began my position with Noble, being away for two weeks at a time, I committed to study the Bible and pray when I was on the rig. It began slow and spotty, but by August '08 I was habitually spending time in the Word and in prayer, both on the rig and at home. I began to try to go deeper and noticed that my loving bride journals her thoughts, prayers, and insights when she did her quiet time. I began to do this as well, but made notes in the margins of my bible. My wife noted this, and for valentine's day gifted me with a journal just like hers but in a different color. If you don't journal, I highly recommend this. It added a whole new dimension to my daily meeting with the Lord. Yeah I know you are wondering where I am going with this, right? Have patience.}
Because I was no longer in chains to the things the Enemy had always used against me, he attacked in a way I could not anticipate nor expect. Several months ago, I began to have dreams and strange thoughts. I began to dream and think that while I was gone, Laura was running around on me. I knew then, as I know now that Laura would never, ever do anything close to that. But I held those things to myself and did not share them with Laura or my accountability partners, which is what the Enemy wanted me to do. If the Enemy can isolate me, separate me from other believers, or convince me that no one would listen, then he has won a major victory. And he did win a major victory, but not the war.
Now, Laura has been with Sally over the last few weeks doing anything she can to help and still being a single parent to our kids. With me coming home, Laura was free to be there for as long as was needed. Including traveling overnight to Corpus Christi to lay Leland Morgan to rest and being a shoulder to cry on for anybody that needed it. We had not had time to talk, I think Laura averaged 3 hours of sleep over a 5 day period. But she did mention to me that she felt like I was holding her too tightly and that my two weeks home may be like a glorious honeymoon like time to me; but was somewhat of an interruption to her life and schedule and would I let go of her just a little bit. What? Ah Ha! I knew it! ( Cue the dramatic music). Cue Joseph to pull back and act like some kind of martyred asshole. Fine, if she wants her own space and own life, fine. She can do what she wants and I will do what I want.
It is very important to not become complacent in our relationships with others, especially with our spouses. I had become complacent with Laura. Everything seemed to be moving along very well; the kids were OK, I like my job but miss her and the kids when I am gone, our life was in a good spot.
So Sunday afternoon, although my wife was still physically exhausted and emotionally drained; we found time to talk and Laura tells me she is not completely happy and was not sure she could talk to me. Not sure she could talk to me? What? Hey I am your husband. You can talk to me, I won't blow up. We have been down this road, you know the sign posts, you can talk too me. I may not like what you are saying but I love you and I am not the same asshole man I was and will not blow up. She tells me I have been somewhat "off" the last few months and she felt as if there was a wall between us. I let her know about my dreams and thoughts and how her comment the other day somewhat, sort of kind of, in my small brained self confirmed what was going on. Did I mention that I was an asshole, with a brain the size of pea? Did I mentioned that my lovely bride was emotionally and physically exhausted? Did I mention that the Enemy isolates people and is very good at leading you to wrong conclusions based on facts and lots of conjecture? Did I? Good, because my wife began to wail! When she finally calmed down and was able to explain that what she meant was that she would like to have lunch or dinner during the week with her friend/friends without me being upset or feeling slighted because I am loosing out on her time or feeling put out. Not that she wanted me to be good enough to earn a living but she wanted to be away. That she loves me, misses me, but when I am home she has the option to spend time on her self as wants or needs too.
So Sunday afternoon, although my wife was still physically exhausted and emotionally drained; we found time to talk and Laura tells me she is not completely happy and was not sure she could talk to me. Not sure she could talk to me? What? Hey I am your husband. You can talk to me, I won't blow up. We have been down this road, you know the sign posts, you can talk too me. I may not like what you are saying but I love you and I am not the same asshole man I was and will not blow up. She tells me I have been somewhat "off" the last few months and she felt as if there was a wall between us. I let her know about my dreams and thoughts and how her comment the other day somewhat, sort of kind of, in my small brained self confirmed what was going on. Did I mention that I was an asshole, with a brain the size of pea? Did I mentioned that my lovely bride was emotionally and physically exhausted? Did I mention that the Enemy isolates people and is very good at leading you to wrong conclusions based on facts and lots of conjecture? Did I? Good, because my wife began to wail! When she finally calmed down and was able to explain that what she meant was that she would like to have lunch or dinner during the week with her friend/friends without me being upset or feeling slighted because I am loosing out on her time or feeling put out. Not that she wanted me to be good enough to earn a living but she wanted to be away. That she loves me, misses me, but when I am home she has the option to spend time on her self as wants or needs too.
After a few humbling; soul baring, "I thought..." and "you meant..." my bride and I are back on the same page, headed in the same direction, loving each other even deeper and with more breadth then we ever dreamed possible; having learned another seemingly simple but vital lesson: communicate often, frequently, and especially when I feel distant or a wall seems to be up between us.
